Actually, I have no idea what day it was.
I don't even know if it was two years ago or five years ago or seven years ago, perhaps even longer. Because it wasn't an on/off thing, but more a gradual shifting of perspective.
What I do know is that I started having an ongoing realization that I felt mentally lighter. That I felt good all the time. That what I thought of as "the haze" had left.
The haze had been around for a long, long time. Even in times when I'd declare that I had a great life and felt happiness a good part of the time. But there was still the haze. There was still, "Gee, I really should clean out that hall closet." Or "Maybe I was too brusk with that clerk at the grocery store." Or "I need to get the oil changed in my car -- I've been meaning to do that for three months!" Or "I read that article on how I should ask all my clients about X, and I've never gotten around to doing that, and here another year has gone by."
"The haze" was the ongoing belief that there's something wrong. That there's something wrong with the world, that there's something wrong with life. Most specifically, there's something wrong with me and how I move about in the world. That I was never perfect enough, never had my life perfectly organized, never did all the things I "should" be doing in order for others to consider me a bonafide "good person".
"The haze" was also conversations with friends and acquaintances about all the things other people are doing in the world or their lives that we'd judged to be "wrong". That feeling that if only all the other badly-behaving people would straighten up and change their behavior, then our lives would be henceforth perfect.
The haze went away because I fell in love with myself. The haze went away because I felt appreciation for the incredibly wonderful life I have. The haze left because the actions of others are of no consequence to me. The haze left because when I experience unpleasant things, I accept that such things couldn't have happened if I hadn't been a match to them, and I alone am in control of what I am a match to. Embracing that my life is All Up to Me was the greatest sense of empowerment ever.
Since the haze left, I've been able to fine tune my receptivity to inspiration. That means cleaning the hall closet only matters when it feels like the next logical thing to do, because then it's easy and fun. Otherwise, it's of no consequence, and there isn't any mental weight associated with it.
I remember, as a pre-teen, walking into a restaurant or retail store with my mother and thinking, "Everyone is looking at me." I so hated myself and life that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I felt it so strongly that it had to show. So, everyone was was looking at me and disgusted with what they saw. They knew I had no right to exist. They knew it was a mistake that I'd ever been born. "The haze" was a crushing weight that I could hardly bare. I just wanted to stay in my room rather than be exposed to the ongoing judgment, however deserved.
Over time, starting in my late teens, the haze got gradually lighter and lighter. I started thinking I was happy, if only (in retrospect) because I was "not unhappy". It was progress. And it continued as I gave myself permission to love what I love, and let go of "shoulds" and "supposed tos".
One day, I realized the haze was gone. And that was, and continues to be, the most amazing thing ever.
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