It tastes really, really good.
I've been aware for quite a number of years that I've accomplished everything I've wanted to do.
I wanted to be a writer from a young age. As a teenager, I wanted to write the great American novel. I started writing fan fiction (Kirk/Spock) in my early 20s while attending college, and by the time I'd switched to Starsky & Hutch in my early thirties, I no longer viewed fanfiction as a stepping stone to professional writing. I liked having a built-in audience, as opposed to a book sitting on the shelf at a bookstore that nobody reads.
As a preteen, the ultimate dream of my life was to own racehorses, and I accomplished that at the age of 34, by becoming involved in one of the very first online partnerships in 1995. I eventually became good friends with the manager, and did the books, and over the next seven years we campaigned 28 horses from coast to coast.
From a career standpoint, I never had any dreams. One that always sounded good was the idea of having my own business, but I never pursued it. In 1996, I got burned out at my job and quit without having another job to go to. I lived off credit cards and did some temping, and kept thinking I'd go out and look for another job when I got scared enough. I never got scared enough. Instead, six months later I sort of "'backed into" the idea of starting my own bookkeeping business. Now, I can't imagine depending on a sole person/employer for my income. I can't imagine anyone else being in charge of my time.
A loose goal in recent decades was to see all fifty states. I've done all but Alaska. I don't really have any intense desire to go to Alaska, considering how far away it is. But if the opportunity fell into my lap, I would.
As far as a burning passion, there hasn't been anything specific I've wanted to do for a long time. Last July, I thought I'd buy into a racehorse again, as just a fun little side thing. It's turned into a major hobby, with currently owning in some 22 horses, and thinking about and tracking my horses joyously takes up a lot of my time.
And then one horse, that was available for share purchase only as recently as June, conquered the astronomical odds against everything working out like it was intended, and won the Kentucky Derby. An absolute life peak experience. No words to explain the extreme exhilaration.
Around these last couple of days leading up to the Derby, I have a friend in a horse racing game I play that I was getting flustered with. I've actually met Ken in Alabama, when I went on a road trip to the gulf states a few year ago. He's been complaining constantly about the game we play, and is obviously unhappy. He's been threatening to quit for years and never does. Finally, I blew up at him in email. I was exhausted with all his complaining and the fact that he wouldn't do anything to change his circumstances -- like quit. I also didn't want to hear anything more about all his "proof" about how the game was rigged. I pointed out that I ENJOYED playing, so why would I piss all over something I enjoy by searching for negative things about it? He responded to my lengthy email with a short "Sorry for the trouble", and I didn't know if he was sincere or sarcastic, so I didn't reply.
Apparently, he was concerned that he'd lost my friendship, so congratulating me on Authentic winning the Derby was the perfect opening for him to resume our communication. I did so readily. And then he revealed that he had a drinking problem, as though to say that's why he gets so negative. And he's going to quit cold turkey -- with advice from his R.N. sister -- because he once quit a 25-year marijuana habit by stopping cold turkey. I've sincerely wished him the best.
I got to thinking that he's 55ish, and what a tough thing that must be at that age, to have an addiction that you want to quit. He also hates his job in the summer, because it requires him to spend long hours in the brutal Alabama heat. That's got to be tough, too.
Which led me to thinking about how much I appreciate that I'm living the "icing on the cake". That there's no particular thing I'm trying to do before my life ends, so I've felt for a long time that if somebody told me I had, say, two weeks to live, I'd be fine with it. Which, when stepping back, sounds sort of drab.
Yet, by acknowledging and appreciating that I'm living on icing at the age of 59, I've experience a new life peak. My horse won the Kentucky Derby.
And that wasn't ever even on my bucket list.
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