Yet I work up this morning thinking, "Jamie murdered someone last night" and wanting so much for it not to be true.
Jamie is only a fictional character on the "Yellowstone" TV series, but that murder is surely going to have ripple effects for the remainder of the series, as well as prompting consideration of what happens to people in real life when they spend their lives trying to please others and have no concept of their own selves.
I did dream of boiling water last night. I usually don't remember my dreams, but I was in a kitchen and the water in a blender on the counter started to boil. Then a pot on the stove, where the burner was turned off, also started to boil. Water in other places started to boil. I was intrigued by whatever forces of the universe was causing it, but not afraid since I don't believe in evil. I think I felt certain of who had passed on that was making their presence known, but now I don't remember who I'd decided upon. Then I was walking in the woods, behind other people -- maybe family members -- and thinking there was no point in mentioning the boiling water incident since no one would believe me. I decided to look for other signs that someone was trying to get my attention. That ended the dream.
Another rare dream I vividly remember was probably from some seven or eight years ago. I'd recently found the Discovery ID channel and was watching tons of murder programs, always fascinated at how willing people are to risk going to prison, in their belief that killing someone will make their own lives better. I had a dream that I was driving on a country road alone at night and knew that I'd killed somebody a while back. I don't know who or how or why, but I was trying to reassure myself that there's no way anyone could ever connect the death to me. I woke up thinking, "I need to stop watching so many murder programs."
Which brings me back to Yellowstone. A good friend and I always discuss the show in email, and we've both agreed that Jamie is a lost soul. Of the three sons in the family (of which only two are still living), he's the one that wasn't a cowboy. Turns out, from last night's opening flashback scene, he "want to be just like you" -- his father -- but typical John Dutton applied to Harvard on Jamie's behalf (and surely pulled some strings via bribes) and wanted him to get an education to be a lawyer. "Words are modern swords, and I need someone who can fight for the ranch with words." So, Jamie dutifully obeyed and became the ranch's lawyer. Yet, despite that obedience, his father never respected him, and often seemed outright disgusted with him, as has Beth, his only sister.
I've never like Jamie's character. Through some 15 episodes now, he never seems comfortable in his own skin. I suppose that bothers me so much because I can relate to it for the first 25 years or so of my life. I never felt comfortable in my own home, around my parents, because I knew they each disapproved of me every moment of every day. I only felt comfortable alone in my room. Teachers would initially be enormed of me -- I was intelligent and had a father that was a doctor, after all -- and yet they would often be disappointed that I turned out to an A and B student, rather than an A student. Then I eventually had a relationship with an older man that had been my high school teacher and then boss, and while that was a vast improvement over my prior life, I still often felt judged and expected to agree with him on most things. It wasn't until I went away to college in my early 20s that I finally felt I had permission to place myself first in my own life. There was no looking back after that.
I feel that as a thirtysomething Jamie ought to have figured out by now that nothing good comes from being a "yes man" to everyone who wants something from him. He doesn't ever seem to have any thoughts or feelings of his own -- they're all in reaction to what's going on around him. So, he's a difficult character to respect. Then, last night, in a moment of trying to be the dutiful son who will do anything for the sake of the ranch and the family, he "loses it" when words don't work, and murders a threat in a rage. And then is sorry and tormented. And then has to get the top ranch hand to help him cover it up.
I keep thinking this is the end of his character -- at least as viewers have known it. How can Jamie ever be a confident, peaceful person after something like this? He can't ever bring that life back (which was emphasized in a general way in the episode in other situations), and he's not the murdering type, so... what's going to happen to his character? The ranch hand that helped him, as well as his father, seem to both suggest that he's expendable -- it's the only way to be sure the "problem" of the murder can't ever harm the ranch. Yet, surely they don't intend to kill him off, leaving just two of the original four children. Perhaps Jamie will decide that he did the only logical thing at the time and try to live a normal life. But that's so hard to imagine, given the sometimes infuriating softness of his character. Then I wonder if an autopsy will show that the victim was terminally ill and going to die anyway, so maybe Jamie will find a way to be at peace about it. But that seems far fetched.
I'm just flabbergasted. And admiring of the always high quality of the episode. Didn't see that coming.
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